I've decided to write this blog post to share my recent realization about emotional regulation. This term is often used to describe someone's ability to master their emotions — to remain composed in difficult situations, make thoughtful decisions, and respond to life's curveballs with wisdom and integrity.
While this ideal may sound appealing, it seems like a tall order for anyone. True emotional mastery takes years, and it constantly changes with our environment and the unique challenges we face at different stages of our lives.
Rethinking "Emotional Regulation"
Let's start by examining the term "emotional regulation." I've used it with my clients many times, like everyone else. But recently, I've come to see it as potentially toxic, a realization sparked by my own growth journey.
There's a trap we all fall into — therapists included, myself very much so. When we talk about emotional regulation, it often implies there's something wrong with feeling emotions, something that needs to be "regulated" or kept in check. It's like we're policing our emotions to ensure they don't get out of hand. This mindset can easily lead to self-judgment and shame when we "fail" to regulate painful feelings and discomfort.
What most people don’t realize is how much time we spend trying to alter our emotions — manipulating them, pushing them down, justifying them, or dismissing them entirely. We do almost anything to avoid actually feeling them, right?
Embracing Emotions Without Judgment
This is where many of us go wrong. Feeling emotions doesn't make us bad people, and it shouldn't be a source of shame. Imagine if all emotions disappeared — what would we feel then? Who would we be? We're not robots, nor should we strive to be. Emotions are what make us human.
We need emotions to learn about who we are, what we like, and what we dislike. Emotions are signals and messages from our inner and outer worlds. They inform our choices and guide the direction of our lives. Ignoring, manipulating, or altering these signals leaves us confused, unable to find our path or purpose in the world.
A New Approach to Healing and Inner Peace
So, what is the right approach to healing and living peacefully with ourselves?
We must feel our emotions. We need to create a safe space within our bodies to hold our emotions with compassion and love. This includes even the more challenging emotions, like anger.
Some people fear feeling anger because it can come with uncontrollable impulses. It's important to clarify that acting on impulse can have serious consequences. In a moment of impulsivity, the only option might be to shut down the impulse to prevent harm to ourselves and others. However, it's always good to address these impulses in therapy. I often encourage clients to sit with their impulses and their anger. Surprisingly, feeling these emotions doesn’t increase the chance of acting out; it does quite the opposite.
Being able to feel and experience an emotion like rage can actually increase self-love. Imagine the amount of compassion and patience required to allow yourself to experience rage and its impulses fully. It's a profound act of self-love. After all, it's difficult to act out in anger when what you’re feeling in that moment is love.
Moving Beyond the "Regulation Police"
This is why we don't need the "regulation police" to manage our emotions. Instead, we need to hold our emotions in a space of self-love. That’s true mastery — being able to hold compassion in your body and maintain a positive regard for yourself and your life.
Somatic therapy can help you discover the self-love you’ve been longing for.
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